My faith life

Back when I was younger, I think I was kinda depressed because I didn't quite understand why God put me in this situation. I kept on saying that I wanted to die and go to heaven. Not realizing that if I actually would have done it I would go to the burning place instead of being with Jesus (which is what I really wanted). My mom would cry every time I said that. Now if I look back on that, I think that is probably the dumbest thing I said in my entire life. Even though I still think I'm not good enough for God sometimes, at least it doesn't consume my mind like it used to. Most disabled people learn how to adapt to their situation. In fact, I learned how to put on my clothes on the floor. I think that suicide is never going to be the best choice because all it does is set you up for more pain. Sometimes I would get sad because I heard a song on the radio, like "Hallelujah", "Silent Night" or "Over the Rainbow". To me, for some reason, those songs seem so sad. It took me about eight years to listen to those three songs without getting emotional. The biggest challenge I will have is to never loose faith in God. This also applies to able-bodied people too, especially when they're in college. This is why I'm definitely going to a Christian college. Later on in my life, I became addicted to praying. I felt like I had to pray every night in order to satisfy God. I also had some prayer cards on the wall beside my bed but eventually my mom took them off because I kept on startling and would accidentally grab the cards off the wall and poke myself with the taks. The reason why I like to pray at nighttime is because it's quiet and I'm alone with God. The problem with praying at night is that sometimes I will start a prayer and then I fall asleep in the middle of it. If I could rate my prayer, I would rate it a seven out of ten because my vocabulary isn't the greatest and I get distracted a lot. Even after the confirmation retreat, I still don't pray as much as I used to and I'm totally okay with that because the amount of times I used to pray every night is really ridiculous. I would pray up to ten times a night! I guess I'm a work in progress.

What I learned from confirmation is that you don't have to do something extraordinary to enter the kingdom of heaven. Jesus is only asking us to be nice, that's all. And if you want to give something you have to somebody who doesn't, don't do it because you want to look like you're a generous person. I consider that being prideful and really you just counter-acted the good deed. Do it because you feel that it is the right thing to do. The second thing I learned, Jesus is always going to be by your side but you have to accept Him into your life because He will not force himself upon you.

The Confirmation Retreat

Last Friday I went to the confirmation retreat. My group was pretty happy that I was able to come. The first thing that my group did was dance. I wanted to let my dance moves out but I just couldn't. It takes a while for me to have enough courage to get out of my comfort zone in front of people. While they were all dancing around me, I was imaging that if I could walk I would so re-enact the Saturday Night Live comic when Sally 'O Malley goes "stretch, kick, stretch, I'm 50". That would be hilarious! About twenty minutes later, a speaker came out and talked about how much God loves each and every one of us individually. He then asked the Holy Spirit to give the teens a vision of God's love. I visioned I was at a forest on a dirt trail and I could see Jesus was way off to the distance. Then I asked Jesus to come closer and as soon as I said that, he hugged me. Around midnight everybody went to their cabins and my dad and me slept in the adult lodge.

The next day me and my dad woke up at six thirty fully rested. For breakfast we had pancakes, eggs and sausage links. I am not a big fan of eggs but everything else was pretty good. You can tell you're eating good pancakes if you don't have to pour suryup on it. Afterwards, all of kids headed towards the pavilion to play a game. It was kinda funny watching them because they looked like a bunch of dorks! Next they went to the field and played sharks and minoes. All I did is just watch them on top of a hill and honestly I so wanted to say "run Forrest run!" every time someone ran past me trying to get to the other side of the field before a shark sees them. The funnest activity my group did is the tug a war. As soon as I found out that we're going to do tug a war, I said to myself, "Hey, maybe I can pull the rope with my mule" (my power chair). Mike (one of the teachers of the group) somehow read my mind and tied the rope to the back of my chair. Unfortunately, he tied it to the left side of the chair instead of the center and the chair was skidding on the pavement! Also the boys were outnumbered by the girls. It was like six boys to eight girls. In fact, the girls were actually pulling my chair! Ms. Jeanne was worried that the chair might flip backwards and I could feel the chair starting to go backwards but I don't think that it was even close to tipping over. The day is jam packed with activities, worship, eating, examination of conscience, adoration, mass, confession with Father Tom, dancing and a lot of prayer. We had a 2 hr downtime and I was so exhausted that I just took a nap! The best part of the day for me was probably the worship. When the music came on I was looking around to see if anybody was watching me and thankfully nobody was. For me that is my que to start singing. It takes a lot of confidence to sing because I don't like people hearing my dull voice. I think that is probably the most out of my comfort zone. The last thing my group did that night is read letters. Some of the letters I received mentioned how great of a smile I have. All and all, they were all very nice letters and I enjoyed them, especially the one from my mom. She also sent a little gift of a necklace with my new patron saint Blessed Herman the Cripple to protect me.

On the last day, my dad and I had to leave early so that my dad can go home and pack the rest of his stuff for the flight to Colorado for his first day of his new job; but before that, the whole campus watched a slide show. I was in two photos and each time a photo of me came up, the crowd roared! I was like, "Am I really this special. Boy, thank goodness I didn't startle or even have a heart attack! That would be embarrassing!" After that, all of us came together for a big group photo.  Next, we took another picture with just my confirmation group. Sadly, I didn't really feel like smiling, so my smile was kind of fake. Before I had to leave, Ms. Jeanne, Mike, Kaylie, Amanda and Ethan wanted to take a picture with me. Now this time my smile was better. When my dad and I drove out, I felt sad because I had a little crush on Kaylie and I absolutely DO NOT want to repeat this sentence ever again! Even though I knew I was still going to see her every Wednesday night. I was impacted by the retreat because I didn't really feel like playing iPad after school for three or four days! I have never done that at home, only at Camp Blessings! I'm kinda disappointed that I can only do this once in my life because the whole experience is just amazing and I will probably never forget this moment in my life.

Top reasons why I am so blessed!

1. Four days ago, my mom got a call from Gina at Numotion saying that United Health care just approved the F-5 power chair!! We were astonished that they approved it even when we were told several times that it would most likely not be approved because I already have a manual stander and walker. What's nice about it is that I can possibly have the chair in the apartment so that I can eat at the bar area while standing up. If that happens, we won't have to bring our kitchen table because it will take up a lot of space. I think that it will take about ten days before I get the chair but I'm so excited!  
2. People are interested in the house and we are able to sell some of Caleryn's nicer toys she doesn't play with anymore and we've been filling up the goodwill store with stuff all throughout the house. I was able to give some of my old equipment to Alan, my therapist, so he can use them on other kids who need help.
3. My dad is going into a good company who I believe also has really good insurance for me.
4. l am able to finish confirmation before I go to Colorado with people I've known for years instead of starting all over in a new state and I have awesome teachers!
5. My parents are not too stressed out about the move. They are actually pretty excited. 
6. I am grateful for my sister even though she's a wild beast she makes me laugh all the time.  
7. My parents found a completely accessible apartment, which is very rare. 
8. I am grateful that I can spend a weekend with my dad during the confirmation retreat before he leaves. 
9. I am happy that my dad found a power soccer team in Colorado that I can join.
10. I am blessed that we are all healthy.
    
11. I am thankful that our helper/tutor, Victoria, is going to be moving to Colorado as well so she can keep working with us!